Inside Gigi's World

So, I did a thing.

I’ve wanted to do it for a long time.

But there always seemed a good reason not to do it…..

I photograph everyone and every thing all the time.

There are all these milestones that have been snapped, journaled and put deep into our memories for safe keepings.

Christmas pictures of my family in front of the Christmas tree.

Friends at bridal showers and girls nights out.

I’m always behind the lense, never in front of it.

I hate how I look in pictures. A lot of times, I hate how I look, period.

It starts for women when they are young girls. We are described by our physical attributes….

Short.

Tall.

Thin.

Fat.

Cute.

Only a face a mother could love…..

Never our qualities that make us who we are, the things that matter,

Smart.

Strong.

Funny.

Artistic.

Athletic.

Because here is the thing, when you’re a woman and you’re “smart”, you’re an insufferable know it all. We are expected to dumb ourselves down to make society more comfortable.

When we are strong, we are bitches, we will never find a husband that will put up with our bitchey dispositions. Like the golden ticket here is finding a husband.

If you’re artistic, you’re strange.

If you’re athletic, that brings a whole other slew of opinions.

We are taught to put other people’s comfort over our own…..

“If he hits you, it’s because he likes you”

Well if that isn’t a mind fuck that we take years to fix. And then when a woman stays with an abusive partner, we can never figure out why….

Maybe because when we are small girls we learn to equate hitting as a caring action.

“Why wouldn’t you hug that person, that is so rude”

Well, fuck if it makes you uncomfortable, as long as the person you’re hugging feels okay about it.

There is a vicious cycle that starts when we are young girls, before we even realize it, that follows us violently through our teen years and into adulthood.

We want to be the most beautiful.

The one with the prettiest skin and biggest breasts.

We want to be thin and for some, if not most of us, that is a hard task that we will chase for most of our lives. We will feel guilty for every single scrap of food that touches our lips. Skipping meals even when we are hungry and neglecting ourselves the pure joy of enjoying a piece of cake at our children’s birthday parties, celebrating one more milestone that we won’t want to get in front of the camera for because we don’t like how we look.

We want to be noticed for our beauty.

Our perfect bodies.

Our perky breasts.

Then, we start to age…..

Men go grey, they look handsome and distinguished.

Women go grey, they look tired, they have given up on themselves.

All the while, we envision this life that we would love to live, but we hold out and punish ourselves because of our waist size, the way we look, the way we sound.

Why is it, after I had children, did I not celebrate my body and all of the wonderful things it had done? I carried life while almost giving my own at the same time. I felt the rise and fall of a sleeping baby’s chest on my own where he slept.

Afterwards, I carried two babies in my arms. I felt the soft flesh and delicate bones of the lives I helped create.

And now I find myself asking, why did I not appreciate that more? Do you have any idea and how quickly the dreaded question that burdens every new mother’s psyche is bombarded with, “how long until you lose the baby weight?”, “now you can work on getting your body back?”

How many times as new mothers, do we feel the need to explain all the weight we put on and how we hoped to lose it?

I was so lucky having Rich. So lucky. He always told me how beautiful I was. How amazing my body was and how proud he was to have me as the mother of his children, his life partner and wife.

But that doesn’t hold up to a lifetime of, “if you lost 20 pounds, you’d be a lot happier”s, “you’ll never be able to find a husband looking like that”s.

When do we realize that our weight and waist size has no correlation between whether or not we can be happy and love ourselves?

When do we realize that we get to celebrate ourselves and all of our accomplishments, regardless of what size pants we wear?

Do we really deserve to miss out on the life we want and the life we are living, ignoring our lives milestones because we don’t feel we deserve them because of what the scale says?

Why wait to buy the new outfit that you love, 10 pounds from now?

Why not jump into the ocean, feet first, in fits of laughter, as the cold rushes over our toes? Is that worth missing out on because you don’t like how you look in your bathing suit?

I want to love myself as much as my children and husband love me.

I want to be in the now.

I want to smile when my daughter wants to take my picture and know that to her, I am her beautiful mother.

I want to wear shorts and tank tops when it’s hot out.

I want to realize my son is proud to have me as his mother and it has nothing to do with my looks and everything to do with everything else.

I always put life off,

When I lose 20 pounds I’ll do that….

When I have more money I’ll…..

When I have less of…..

When I think of…..

When this happens, when that happens.

I’m always so busy thinking about the life that I could one day possibly live, that I never seem to enjoy the one I have right now. It’s passing me by so quickly and I am living in the “What ifs” instead of the “right nows”.

Did I mention, I did a thing?

I have wanted to have my pictures taken for years now.

Boudoir pictures to be exact.

More for myself. Just to feel pretty.

I’ve always found a reason not to do them.

I wanted to lose more weight.

I wanted to feel more confident.

I have been in the market for some time. There never seemed to be a photographer that I felt comfortable enough with and plans would eventually fall by the waste side.

Until there was Danielle.

I found her page, Danielle Shaughnessey Photography, from a friend on Facebook.

I was intrigued however I just kept thinking, I can’t have pictures taken of me looking like this. This poor woman does not want to see me in all of my glory, 20 more pounds and I swear I’m doing this.

Eventually, the 20 pounds stayed right where it started, my ass. Then I thought to myself,  what am I waiting for?

I am never going to be as young as I am today. And one day, when I’m old and life has passed me bye, I am going to regret not living my life to the fullest, missing out on things that I’ve wanted to do and not loving myself enough to allow it.

So I messaged her and set up my appointment. 

We first had an over the phone consultation, she was just the sweetest, instantly made me feel at ease, like I had known her for years.

As the date approached I grew more and more anxious.

This was not a good idea.

This poor woman was going to see me in my underpants.

O.M.G

I am no size 0 that’s for sure.

The anxiety grew and so did my reservations.

I almost backed out a 100 times.

And then the day came….

Oh shit, here we go….

I got to her adorable studio, located about 15 minutes from my house in Wilbraham.

I walked in and felt like I was surrounded by friends. Well not surrounded, there was Danielle and her stylist, Holly, but they were warm and welcoming and instantly I was relaxed and laughing and having a great time.

• 

I wish I hadn’t waited as long as I did.

I wish I hadn’t spent so much time thinking the only way I deserved to feel good about myself had anything to do with a number on a scale.

I’m a work in progress, if for no one else, for my daughter. I want her to feel like she is always worth the life she wants to live.

• 

I have to admit, these photos have been cropped a little. Not because I’m ashamed or embarrassed. But because I’m saving my cheeky little cheeks for the hubs. He’s my number 1 fan, even when I’m being an asshole. He’s the only one with V.I.P access. But, even cropped, I don’t love these pictures any less! I feel like a smoke show. Who would have thought?

Why do we spend so much time waiting to be happy?

I think it is ingrained in us, as women, that there are so many more things that are above our happiness.

But has anyone else noticed how fast the clock on the wall is ticking? What are we waiting for? We only get on trip on this Earth. There are no do-overs, no second chances. When you’re story is done, it’s done.

So eat the cake without guilt. Love yourself unapologetically. Laugh loud and be strong, know your worth and believe me, you are worth it. Do what makes you happy, do what puts a song in your heart and a dance in your feet. Fuck what anyone else thinks. Take time for yourself and don’t ever let anyone make you feel you deserve anything less.

My dreams have gotten bigger lately. My life, my own life, away from being a mom, a wife, me, Angie, has started to vear her head out of the shadows. As she decides to slowly step out of the dark and remember herself, she has decided we will do it in our new tutu dress, under the moon, with flowers in our hair. With a promise to ourselves to not waste one more minute of not being happy.