Inside Gigi's World

It’s been a while since I last wrote.

I always have these big ambitions. I tell myself every day to get on here and write. Then I quickly realize I either have one hundred other things I should be doing and then when I do none of those one hundred things, I nap.

School is going fine.

I’ve been logging in to my classes religiously.  I haven’t missed a class yet and we are entering our sixth week this week. This part has been easier with going back to school later in life.

That’s about the only thing.

I had no idea how to use “Zoom” or “Moodle”. “Google Classroom” was hard enough, once I figured that out-enough to check my email- I thought I was crushing virtual learning.

I was wrong.

I am using about eight online remote services for my classes that I am suppose to keep track of. That’s eight different passwords.

One password needs special characters.

Another password requires uppercase and lowercase letters, along with a blood sample.

Another, I had to swear that I would sacrifice one of my children’s souls if I needed to reset the password.

And so on, and so on, and so on…

I needed to get a password journal.

I shit-you-not, it is a real thing.

I am now at a point in my life where I need a journal to keep track of all of my passwords.

W.T.F

My classes are fine.

I think I’m killing it.

I think I am ahead of all of my assignments…and then I’m not. I get one assignment passed in and feel caught up, then like magic or a miserable ex you can’t get rid of, another one appears.

Lab after lab.

Paper after paper.

Who the hell places in a honors class almost twenty years after graduating? Did I mention, it’s two classes in one. That means twice the work in half the time.

I was sent a lab kit. I have turned my kitchen into a laboratory, and not even a beat laboratory but one with a box of chemicals. Who thought that was a great idea?

I am one of the oldest people in my classes and I no longer have the patience to deal with all the newfangled nonsense of the youth. I’ve never been a fan of word “like” but like, if I have to like, hear the word like,  like five hundred more times in like the next eight weeks, I’m going to like lose my shit.

What is also very apparent now is how much worse my ADHD has gotten as an adult. I’m the only one in class that can not sit still. I keep my camera off because I distract the whole class. Eighteen cameras with eighteen other students and I’m hoping around like it’s a gym class.

I’m fine.

But I’m also exhausted.

If I sit still for more then five minutes, I am typically falling asleep.

I’m not sleeping at night because I keep thinking of all the things I missed that day and add the ever growing list on to my list for the next day and then the cycle keeps going on and on.

It feels like a form of slow torture. A slow simmering, burning Hell.

It also feels different because I really want this.

Once I pat myself on the back for knocking something off of the list, I quickly forget it and move on to the next.

I don’t even think I was this tired when the kids were little. I thought I was. I think I was wrong. I was physically tired then. Now I am mentally tired.

Everything is fine.

And when my anxiety starts tap dancing on my last nerve and I feel overwhelmed, I tell myself, “Just get over today, just get through right now,”.

This is week six. If I am being honest, I was sure I was going to get this far.

Eight weeks left.

I am almost halfway through this semester.

I got a fancy new backpack.

I’m fine.