Inside Gigi's World

I remember the day I found out that I was going to have a daughter.

The thought made me nervous.

I grew up around boys.

I liked to spit and swear and was over the moon when my brother taught me how to throw a right hook the right way!

“Thumb on the outside stupid, you’ll break your thumb if you don’t”….

What on Earth was I going to do with a little girl?

This question ran through my head for months. The anxiety of having to raise a daughter, a helpless little girl, made my head spin.

I’d literally drive myself crazy.

The idea of a helpless little girl that would constantly need to be protected.

Little girls are delicate.

They are fragile.

And then she was here.

A head full of dark hair, intense brown eyes and this look on her face like she already knew the world.

• 

She was tiny.

She was always tiny, but what she lacked in size, she made up for in tenacity.

You can not tell her that she can’t do something because she will every time.

When she was about 4, she wanted to climb this ginormous obstacle course with R. She was so excited to try it because she wanted to go down the big slide. Rich was so nervouse.

She’s too little, what if she gets stuck? What if she gets hurt?

All valid questions.

But I always hated being told I couldn’t do something because of my size.

She’ll be fine. She’s with R.

Don’t make her small. Let her be big.

She was off, She couldn’t move her body fast enough, right in R.’s tail. The few times She got stuck, R. reached right under him and pulled her up.

She was only about three and a half feet tall, this was close to 100 feet I think. That’s a long way to go when you’re 4.

The look of pride she had when she came down that slide, I will never forget that.

I think that was the moment I realized, she was strong.

So strong.

I knew in that very moment, she was going to take on this world some day and watch it burn in her wake.

The last 12 years have gone by so fast. I think, sometimes, when you’re the youngest, you seem small for so long that by the time you’re not anymore, it seems like it happened over night.

You’re a baby until you’re not.

J’s twelfth year has been a big one.

She is finally over four and a half feet tall.

Her comedic timing and one liners have gotten so good that every so often I can’t keep up with her.

She’s won 3 dance titles and has vowed to not settle until she wins them all.

Even though she likes frilly costumes and anything sparkly, she also loves tie dye and black leggings.

Black leggings…..all the times. Seriously. I have never met another person with so many black leggings.

She loves rom-coms (barf) but also finds as much joy as watching the stupid idiot running up the stairs instead of out of the house, getting slashed in horror movies.

I’ve caught her flipping off her brother a few times lately so she loves her middle finger as much as I do.

She loves her crystals and speaking to the moon.

She loves to sing….

All the time.

In the car.

In her room.

While we are grocery shopping.

Did I mention it is all the time?

Her taste in music isn’t too bad. Some of the things she signs surprises me. But usually she just sounds like a cat dying.

This year has been filled with learning to use her voice more. To speak up and raise her voice even when it shakes.

It has been learning how to stand her ground even when the world rattles beneath her.

Life lessons that she will need.

Stay strong. Even if that means you need to cry.

Stand tall. Never ever make yourself small for another person because some people will want you too. They are not worth your time or energy.

Eleven has come and gone, with it taking another small piece of her youth.

Eleven meant another fair well to a bag of toys she has out grown, parting ways with her once beloved unicorn hoodie with the horn.

But turning twelve, that welcomes even more things.

Neither her nor I know what those things are. I can’t tell her. She’s going to have to figure it out herself. Even if I could help her, she wouldn’t want it. She’s strong willed, she always has been. She wants her independence. She wants to navigate her world all by herself.

Every so often she’ll let me walk a few yards next to her but mostly, I’m watching from the sidelines like everyone else.

• 

I now know I never had to be nervous about having a daughter.

It was like someone in the great divine made her just for me.

She matches my energy and makes me want to be strong all the time.

When I think of the strong ladies in my life, she is hands down in the top three on the list. And up until today she was only 11.

I can’t even begin to imagine what kind of bright light and energy she will bring into this world as she gets older.

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t get a little sad every birthday as I am saying goodbye to the little human I once knew, the one I once felt grow within my bones.

But there is also a little bit of excitement and anticipation, looking forward to meeting the new person she will become.

Happy Birthday my little Love Bug. Make 12 count, it only happens once.