Inside Gigi's World

Today is June 18th, 2021.

Today starts off like every other day.

I wake up to hear the birds in the backyard and Golden Girls on the television.

I hear the boy banging around downstairs, rummaging for food, hoping he’ll find some kind of scrap pizza left in the fridge.

Then I hear him complaining that there is no pizza.

Before I roll over to slide out of bed -Yes, I said slide. I’m short and can’t reach the floor- I wipe the sleep out of my eyes and brace my self for the stiffness and back cracks and the way everything, now, feels sore when I get out of bed.

I think to myself, maybe that’s one of those things everyone means when they talk about getting old.

But I’m not old yet. I guess I’m not young anymore…..but I surely wouldn’t consider myself old.

I think the kids think I’m old…..

My Mom seemed old at this age…..

Maybe?

Nah……

Then, all at once numbers start flooding my mine.

Today is June 18th, 2021.

Today is 7 years.

7 whole years!

It is 365 days since last year.

2,557 days since 2014.

2557 days =3682080 minutes. I do not even think I can count that high and I like to count.

Then my heart feels angry and sad and joyful all at once.

It’s because I remember 5th grade.

I remember meeting the kid with the dimples and the blonde spikey hair.

I remember being one of the guys because that’s how I was treated.

There were bike rides, swimming, sneaking off to Snow’s Pond to beat the awful heat. We were pretty sure it was full of chemicals and radiation, that we would eventually see fish with 2 heads and 3 eyes and that we may grow extra arms but it didn’t happen.

There lazy days, laying around on the Dike and swinging on the swing.

Other days were filled with smoking cigarettes and filling up on penny candy and soda, riding our bikes wherever our little feet could paddle us.

Once I finally started to make more female friends, I think the boys were a little sad that the “crazy little kid sister” was branching but they were still there.

When I played girl’s softball, there was always a group of boys on their bicycles, waiting for me.

In that crowd, was always Mikey.

• 

The numbers start rolling in even faster.

1994. 5th Grade year.

8 grades of school together.

3 different schools.

1 D.A.R.E graduation- Ha. Ha. Ha. That didn’t take.

It was 1 accident that left you with a missing tooth and me constantly teasing you about bring an old man with dentures.

• 

1 junior prom.

1 senior banquet.

1 class day.

1 Graduation. Class of 2002.

In between that……

There endless sleepless nights.

There was driving school.

First jobs.

First heartbreaks. Well, at least one serious one for me. But you, well, you fell in love with any girl that had boobs and batted their eye lashes at you. You were always dubbed “The Ladies Man”.

There were countless skipped classes and ditch days.

There were, literally, 3,987,672 tardies to school once you started driving us there. I guess there wasn’t that many but enough that after every 3 tardies we had to serve detentions and after 3 detentions your parking pass was revoked. We had detentions at least 2 times a week and you weren’t allowed to park on campus after our sophomore year.

• 

It was 19 birthdays which included one sweet 16, Two 18th birthdays, two 21st birthdays and one 30th birthday.

And after June 18th 2014, I realized for the 1st time in our 20 year friendship, I would officially become and stay older than you.

It was 1 military enlistment.

• 

• 

It was bicycles turning into motorcycles.

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3 marriages.

1 divorce.

2 births.

It was me being angry and upset that you decided to leave home and stay gone.

It was 1 cancer diagnosis.

It was 1 promising prognosis.

Then it was the realization that it was not.

You thought it was hilarious to have to have a Bio Hazzard bag on you, I told you your hopes of becoming a zombie were finally coming true.

It was 1 event, which turned into 1 day, 1 minute, 1 second, 1 moment that you were here and then you were not.

June 18th.

7 years and I can’t even being to imagine where to tell you how much life has changed but I like to think that you already know. 

When R. does something stupid or I catching J. sticking up the middle finger, I’m sure you’re up there somewhere laughing.

I have been lucky. I have a husband that I love 2 great kids.

But there is something to be said about having a loyal and sincere side kick. A ride or die. A friend by choice but a brother by accident.

I still pick up the phone to call you sometimes. Then I am quickly stung by the fact that Verizon and their shitty service can’t help me, so then I just talk to you out loud.

Grief is like the ocean. Sometimes it is calm and soothing, it’s proof that there was something that was once filled the now empty void. But sometimes it is strong, rushing, angry, all consuming taking every thing in its wake back to the cold depths, sinking further and further.

Today is June 18th 2021.

It has been 7 years.

The world will not end today. It will spin on its axis yet again.

It will turn into 1 more day, 1 more week, 1 more month, 1 more year.

It will come quickly and unforgivingly.

It is inevitable.

• 

Today.

On June 18th.

I will think of that day 7 years ago and I will shed a tear but that is all because today, I choose to remember you and all the other days you lived and I will smile.