Inside Gigi's World

I know.

It’s been a while.

I always say I am going to write more, on here and my journal. I’m going to be better.

But I also say I won’t eat sugar anymore….but here we are.

The last month has been overwhelming to say the least.

R. has made it through a whole month of being 15 with almost no incidents, which has been nice. He’s getting taller by the minute. He’s playing basketball and he is still hopeful that his dreams of being the person from these neck of the woods to play in the NBA, will in fact, come true before he even graduates high school.

J. is as pleasant as ever. All of a sudden, she has become a stand up comedian. She is back in school and right now her “biggest flex” is winning 3 titles this season (so far) at dance competitions and she is just “so bad beep”.

The word she is looking for is ass. She fancies herself pretty bad ass.

I, on the other hand, in the past few weeks, have found myself struggling a little bit.

I am loud.

I am outspoken.

I can be brash which sometimes seems unkind or harsh.

I am honest. Which, most people say they appreciate that, until they are on the receiving end of that honesty.

And I do not always know when is when.

I wish I had the ability to simply keep quiet.

I wish I had the ability to simply listen.

But I can not.

I fear this could cause rifts in my personal life with people I care about more than myself. But I can not sit idle when I think nothing should be unsaid. Even when the words cut like a knife.

This is how a person is able to heal. This is how a person is able to move on.

You can not see what is ahead when you perpetually choose to look backwards.

I do not need reassurance.

I do not need validation.

I know what my short comings are all too well. I have lived with them for many years.

I will not be a coward nor will I back down to one.

In my opinion, all a coward is, is a bully. A bully trying to make it everyone else’s fault.

What takes strength is looking into the unknown and being scared but still putting one foot in front of the other. To keep moving along.

My voice will tremble but only with the strength and rage I need to stand my ground.

But how do I navigate this new ground when I am worried it may hurt someone I love?

In the meantime, to keep my ever spiraling mind from diving deeper into a black abyss, I have been cross stitching like a fool.

Nothing like being able to stab something hundreds of times to keep calm.

Mostly inappropriate things and things that make me laugh. This cross stitch has a pretty great story behind it, but I must admit, it is even too vulgar for me. Needless to say, it made me giggle even more because of that.

I’m not sure when the next time I will get a chance to write. Hopefully sooner rather than later.

Right now I am tending to my seedlings and I have a list as long as I am tall (shut up) of books that I have been dying to read and still haven’t gotten around too.

I’m thinking it is time to start being thankful for what I can do instead of beating myself up over the things that I could not.

Until next time.